Question:
What do you think real women (not the cosmo reader women) desire most in a man? And what things can a guy work on to make himself the best future possible?
Lauren says...
Okay, first, great question, but next let me just say that this must mean you have never picked up a Cosmo yourself have you. I'm guessing you've only read the headlines and seen the overly done up celebrity on the cover. Let me just break down Cosmo for you. It is a magazine geared towards women by writing articles and lists about sex, men, dating, beauty...etc. Most of it is for entertainment purposes, if women take it literally, the mistake they are making is that obviously most of the information is written BY women. There is some input made by men but I'm highly skeptical about the amount of "real" men they poll and talk to. The only real problem I have about Cosmo is the done up celebrity on the cover. Watch the attached video and you'll get a picture of what they do to make them look like that. It's gross.
So anyways, if anything Cosmo helps women by offering inspiration for their sex lives. I happen to read Cosmo but I take it at face value and it's definitely far from my "bible".
However, I understand where you are coming from with all this because we women can be pretty damn confusing sometimes when it comes to the "what we want" department.
When it comes right down to the barest possible explanation for what we desire most in a man, I think it is... to be loved and desired. This can further be expanded to be personalized by each woman because everyone wants something different, that's why we are so confusing. I think the best way to explain this is to have a list of things women like most in a man.
The goal is for the women to like being around you just because you're you.
1. Grow up: Stop being a "guy" and start being a "man". Guys are immature, unmotivated, twenty-somethings with no drive to find a significant other and start a family or move on to the next stage of their life that is after college. A man takes charge, goes after what he wants and isn't afraid to be a man. Men are powerful and highly sexual but learning how to harness that is the difference between attracting women and pushing them away.
2. Confidence: Have confidence in yourself! This is huge because there is a line between being confident and being cocky. Cocky is usually a negative. And while the woman may be all over the map with her feelings and her signals to you, don't lose your confidence, she'll figure out what she wants eventually, but if you give her a strong and steady person to lean on and follow, the majority of the time she'll like you for it. Also, to be confident you have to embrace your insecurities.
3. Actually listen to what we say: Don't just pretend you're listening. Being interested in us makes us more willing to reciprocate and be interested in you.
4. Sense of humor: Be able to laugh at yourself, be funny and make us laugh. If you make us laugh, that's a huge advantage.
5. Communication, Trust and Security: The trifecta of dating/relationships. Learn to be a good communicator, learn to trust and receive trust in return (this would include honesty) and be able to offer security in a relationship.
6. "Nice guys finish last" syndrome: The guys who complain about this are still young and have taken to chasing the women who don't know what they want. Women can have this problem too, so let's not point fingers. The solution? Understand that you will win in the end. Women don't want to settle down with those unstable bad boys, they want a nice guy. So stay strong, keep doing what you're doing and she'll figure it out eventually. Why is this in my list? Because there are not enough "nice guys" out there!
7. Shared values: If we aren't on the same page, there is no way you have a chance.
8. Know how to love: Love is about being vulnerable. To truly love someone you have to be willing to let them into a part of yourself that no one else gets to see and giving them the power to hurt you but trusting them not to. Men often don't know how to be vulnerable so it stops them from fully loving a woman the way she wants to be loved. Women tend to give their entire selves to men in a relationship and because of that they expect the same in return but men don't work like that.
"Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, It's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life Love shouldn't be one of them. "
"Love... We think about it, sing about it, dream about it, lose sleep worrying about it. When we don't have it, we search for it; when we discover it, we don't know what to do with it; when we have it, we fear losing it. It is the constant source of pleasure and pain. But we can't predict which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, impossible to live without."
"Good relationships balance over time. This means that at any particular point in time, the relationship may appear quite unbalanced: One partner may be more nurturing; one may be more needy; one may be providing all the financial support, etc. But if both partners are loving, understanding, giving, dedicated and flexible, then the relationship can handle all kinds of ups and downs, and still be strong, exciting and, yes, romantic. The best relationships are well balanced. Not a delicate balance; not a static balance- but a dynamic ever-changing balance." - Gregory Godek
Shelly says...
Really, after that intelligent, insightful, and passionate post by Lauren, what more can I possibly say????
As I read what Lauren has written with a more "experienced" outlook and perspective, I still find myself nodding my head and shouting, "AMEN Sister!!" Especially the answer to "what do women desire most in a man?" I mean really, when it's all said and done and the years are rolling by, that is what we all want isn't it? To be loved and desired? And in addtion to the emotional fulfillment of feeling loved, there is no more powerful aphrodisiac than feeling desired.
The other important point that Lauren makes, and this is one that takes alot of mindfulness and practice to master, is her #8...Know How to Love. In fact, from this point on I am referring to this concept in my daily life as #8.
KNOW HOW TO LOVE!!!!!
I have to say this isn't limited to men only. The idea of making yourself vulnerable and letting another person into the innermost sanctum of your heart and soul is not necessarily gender specific. Giving someone not only the power to hurt you, but the trust not to. That is one of the most profound things I have ever read.
So when the reader asks how to become a good future husband, if you can master #8 you are well on your way in that department. And know that to be a good husband for the long haul it also takes finding a willing partner in all the areas we discussed to make your efforts successful and worthwhile. Love is never a one-way street and if we are blessed, we find that person who allows us to become our best selves as we help them to do the same. An open and willing heart will lead you in the right direction!
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